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Post by Mousefire on Aug 9, 2008 23:35:01 GMT -5
name: Jumpingkit clan: ShadowClan position: kit age: 1 moon gender: shecat peltage: she has a glossy tawny pelt with black stripes and occasional giant yellow streaks. her eyes are green with traces of amber and brown in them. she has a normal sized body and legs with a longer tail and long thick fur. personality: fun loving and cheerful, she has not known growing up in the moors, being born after Shadowclan was driven out. She loves nature and is very outgoing, and tries to be friends with everyone being very honest and sincere. she often sneaks into shadowclan territory though, to try and experience what the others had. Even though everyone likes her, she is discluded in many conversations about the forest. IC: Jumpingkit bounced over to the kits, wanting to be part of the conversation. When the other kits saw her though, they scurried away nervously. She lay down in the patch of sun relishing the warmth. I know they grew up in shadows, she thought, but why dislike its warmth? She rolled over and sighed. code: blood
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Post by //Cindy// l u n a on Aug 10, 2008 11:21:40 GMT -5
Can you make sure you use full sentences in your personality and peltage descriptions? The IC is really good, by the way!
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Post by Mousefire on Aug 10, 2008 11:42:15 GMT -5
Thanks! Here, I fixed it.
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Post by //Cindy// l u n a on Aug 10, 2008 11:44:02 GMT -5
The personality is much better! The peltage is still in phrases, though. As soon as you fix that, I'll be able to accept your character!
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Post by Mousefire on Aug 10, 2008 11:47:30 GMT -5
this better? im glad im finally not the only person online!!
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Post by //Cindy// l u n a on Aug 10, 2008 11:56:27 GMT -5
Accepted. But here's what you wrote:
she has a glossy tawny pelt with black stripes and occasional giant yellow streaks. also has green eyes with traces of amber and brown in them. has normal sized body and legs with a longer tail. body has lots of fur
Here's how I would have fixed it up:
Jumpingkit has a glossy tawny pelt with black stripes and occasional giant yellow streaks. She also has green eyes with traces of amber and brown in them. Though her body and legs are normal sized, she has a longer tail. Her coat is thick (and long? and short?).
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Post by Mousefire on Aug 10, 2008 12:01:19 GMT -5
oops, i got the peltage mixed up with the personality!ill fix it sorry about that
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Post by //Cindy// l u n a on Aug 10, 2008 15:03:04 GMT -5
Much, much better! Even though I already accepted you, I'll accept you again... lol.
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